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The sense behind friendship ..

Whats the sense behind a friendship nowadays ? How big is the value ? And what are we willing to do for it ?

I always thought to be a great friend, reliable, faithful and always available .. and that there is nothing that can change that fact. Here I have to admit that I dont have many close friends. The closest friend is thousands of miles away and we know each other since we are around 3 years old.. and even though we have both our lifes and sometimes not hearing from each other for years, when we do.. its always like the time stopped completely.. and we are still 12 or 14 years old.. hanging out and listening to weird music like the Backstreet boys ... And no matter for how long she already left, I miss her still so much, especially when im not able to handle my thoughts or when im bringing myself in situations i cant get out.
I'm aware that such friendships are kinda rare..and other friends couldnt never take the same status she has in my life. For so many years. But I got lucky to meet another person who was able to get the same place, the same status and maybe even a little bit more.
A person I could share everything with after a short period. A person i could fight with again and again and always getting together. A person i got also strong feelings for..after a short time. and they didnt change over the months and year. A person i was always afraid to lose because of certain circumstances.. the person i gave the promise that I would never leave, too, no matter what.. the person I kicked out of my life lately because i wasnt able to handle it. And the person that I would need the most in my life at the moment.

And here there is this question again.. whats the sense behind friendship ? When ur able to leave so easily because of trivial feelings .. how come you can abandon someone in an instant..and how come you do so and you feel so foolish and lost at the same time. And then there is that pride.. the stubbornness.. you want to apologize and trying to get over anything and to concentrate on the main thing, which is: the person and the relation you have .. but there is that pride...that little voice, telling you that you can't step back, because you are hurt .. because the other part cared not enough.. and that you are the only one who cared over the months.. that evil feeling preventing you to go and say: I'm sorry and I need you in my life, because you make me feel complete and you are and were always there when I needed someone to lean on .. but that feeling.. the little devil on your shoulder, is able to block you completely..and to break promises..

Will we be able to get over it.. to make that hard step ahead and to admit our mistakes.. Or will we continue like that and lose one of the people who mean the world for you. I hope I will be able to get rif of my pride.. the false one..

 

28.5.11 00:29


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Here I am ...

...yes, and here I am again..after dunno.. 4 .. 5 or 6 years ? A long time actually.. but I guess that things didnt change that much with years..Maybe you get more mature.. you see things with different eyes.. but hey, is it really like that ?

The wish to have a blog again is nothing new and today I got inspired, reading the old blog of a friend.. yes, its overly sad that you stopped blogging.. believe me, you've talent .. but since he is still looking for a good reason to continue with the blog, I'm a step ahead.. the reason is clear.. writing down things that bother you will make your mind free.. sure you can write it in a diary... or you can share it by texting a friend. There are different ways for sure .. I chosed this one.. for the moment.. for a short period maybe.

Today I was thinking about character treats and especially about mine.. I use to make people believe that I'm kinda simple and easy going.. not a rlly complex person. I figured out thats like hiding behind something I'm not at all. In reality im overly sensitive, demanding, stubborn as hell, easily hurt and easily mad .. The reason for my little "brain-storming" was a situation this morning. Getting hurt because you were kinda expecting something that didnt happen.. There is that saying: Never expect anything from anyone - just from yourself.. and the other saying: Everyone is going to hurt you - you have just to figure out whos worth suffering for.. 
The sayings are overly true.. both of them are.. To come back to the first one.. yes I am too caring..and too nice and show the people I love how much I do.. maybe I should change the way of thinking and stop being always here for everyone.. and figuring out that mostly exactly those people are not here for me when i need them. Thats the challenge and the question I should think about more deeply during the next days..

On the other hand i realized that there are wonderful people outside who care alot about me. So maybe the secret is to stop expecting things from people around you and start seeing what you receive already.. But its a human problem somehow, then:
We are losing diamonds while we are too busy collecting stones ! 

Good night...
22.5.11 16:25


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